Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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