I think I can smell my own vagina right now
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
