you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
