Someone shit on the floor
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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