I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
