I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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