I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
