I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
