I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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