You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
