It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
