then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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