apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
