They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
