I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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