at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
