I think I died a long time ago.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
