Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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