Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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