I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
