I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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