dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Alive.
So much puke
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
