im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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