I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
