I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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