She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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