dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
