call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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