I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I can tuck mytits in my pants
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
