Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
