Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
