So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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