pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
