What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
