i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
