I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
