I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
