Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
