apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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