I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
