apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
