I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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