why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
