ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
