dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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