You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
