Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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