if you like me you must not know who I am
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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