it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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