When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
